Sex is so much more than just a physical act between two people—it can also be a way to form strong emotional bonds, to connect on a deep level, and to gain a real intimate understanding of your partner.
For a segment of society, there is no sex without first forming an emotional connection. In fact, these people don’t even feel sexual attraction to others unless there is some sort of bond. The term for this is «demisexuality».
What is Demisexual?
Looking up the demisexual meaning will give you a pretty clear understanding of what this sexual orientation is.
Demisexuality.org defines demisexual as «a sexual orientation in which someone feels sexual attraction only to people with whom they have an emotional bond.»
According to Asexuality.org, «A demisexual is a person who does not experience sexual attraction unless they form a emotional connection.»
The term «demi» means «midway between», and it’s used to describe a sexual state somewhere between sexual and asexual. Demisexuals do not choose to abstain from sex (like asexuals), but they simply do not feel sexual attraction to someone else until that emotional bond is formed.
There are essentially two types of romantic attraction:
- Primary, which is based on outward qualities: personality, looks, clothing, etc.
- Secondary, which is a form of attraction that stems from an emotional connection with someone else.
Demisexuals do not typically feel the primary form of attraction, so their attraction to others is based on the secondary attraction.
Signs You May Be Demisexual
How can you tell if you are demisexual or not? Here are a few clear signs:
Physical attraction is far less important to you. When you judge a prospective date, you tend to focus on things like intellect, sense of humor, emotional connection, similarities, shared interests, and other «deeper» aspects of their personality. Looks are far less important to you because you’re thinking about whether or not you can form an emotional bond with this person. If not, you’ll never get past the first date.
Sexual attraction tends to be fleeting.
Sure, you can get that twinge of attraction toward that hot guy or girl, but it usually comes and goes fairly quickly. Demisexuals can feel primary attraction to others, yet it’s less common and shorter-lasting. If you pursue the primary attraction, you may find it dissipates far too quickly because there is no secondary attraction to keep you truly connected.
Most (perhaps all) of your relationships started out as friendships. While it’s not uncommon for friendships to deepen into relationships, it’s more common for strangers to meet and form a romantic attraction before they form emotional bonds. For demisexuals, however, that friendship and emotional bond are what makes them feel romantic attraction toward the other person.
You tend to refrain from most sexual activity.
The fact that you require an emotional connection means the chance of «casual sex» is almost non-existent in your mind. You don’t do late-night hook-ups, booty calls, or one-night stands like the rest of your friends. This may earn you the title of «prude» or «ice queen», but that’s because they don’t understand the truth of who you are and what drives your sexuality.
Friendships can be confusing. Remember how most of your relationships started out as friendships? If you have friends of the gender you’re attracted to, you may find yourself struggling with romantic feelings or unrequited crushes toward those friends. Things can get awkward if your friends don’t reciprocate the feelings, which just makes the situation worse for everyone.
Sex is fun, but not the all-in-all.
You often hear your friends talk about how mind-blowing their sex was, or you can see how important sex is to their lives. For you, however, sex is a fun activity, and not much more. That’s not to say you can’t have good sex or you don’t enjoy it; it simply isn’t the driving factor behind your relationships and attraction to others. The physical act of sex is less important than emotional, intellectual, or mental connections with others.
Crushes are a BIG DEAL. In your case, they kind of are. Because you’ve formed an emotional bond with that person, the crush goes beyond simple physical attraction and indicates an attraction on a deeper level. The fact that you’re rarely attracted to people means that the crush is much more intense, and it can be harder to get over.
First dates feel like the end of the world. We’re not talking the typical first date jitters—this is Omega-level stressing out! Many demisexuals use their first dates as a chance to examine whether or not they could see themselves forming a deeper bond with a potential partner. They talk about «the big stuff» on the first date, and it gives them a chance to check their emotional and intellectual compatibility. However, this can make a first date seem like an interrogation, and many demisexuals spend hours obsessing and worrying about whether or not they’re going too far or freaking a potential partner out. For this reason, you tend to avoid first dates whenever possible.
You’re attracted to «strange» partners.
No, you don’t find yourself drooling over that handsome man or gorgeous woman like everyone else. Instead, you’re attracted to the shy, quirky, even less-physically-appealing guy or girl. This is because you’re drawn to them on a deeper level, and you can see yourself forming a real connection with them. The attraction isn’t physical, but emotional or intellectual. For you, those are the driving factors in any relationship.
Being a demisexual doesn’t make you «strange» or «weird»–it’s just a part of who you are. What matters is that you feel comfortable with your sexual orientation, and you understand why you think and feel the way you do. Ignore all the dating advice from people who don’t know the true you. Instead, be true to yourself and the way you feel—the rest of the «dating stuff» will fall into place in time!